Miriam Gossner Topless Means Germany Wins the Winter Olympics Most Important Event

No offense to the 39 other nations competing in Sochi, but Germany just won the entire thing. And, no, not because of their uncanny ability to slide on a luge and bobsled faster than anybody else in the world, but because of cross-country and biathlete phenom Miriam Gossner. Miriam is the dangerous double threat of Norwegian-German heritage, which means she's born into winter sports and also destined to be a super hot blonde.

But that's still not the reason she wins, even more so than my Slovenian alpine darling, Tina Maze and even semi-topless Lebanese hottie Jackie Chamoun. Miriam wins because she showed off her biathlete boobtastic bare in Playboy Germany where she looks all kinds of gold medal worthy in her preening and posing performance. Damn. My apologies to all, but until I see otherwise, Germany wins the 2014 games. Enjoy.