Milla Jovovich’s Wonder-Nipples and the Sextacular Womenfolk of Resident Evil

Resident Evil 6 shambles spasmodically into stores tomorrow, gleefully brandishing three-eighths of a torso in one hand and the squelching remnants of some poor bastard's mansack in the other. As the beleaguered employees expunge the blood/shit-stains from their emporiums nationwide, we commend the alleged deft combination of survival horror and balls-out shooting faces in the face the title will offer.

Another inherent element of the venerable franchise's movies (besides instances of nut-numbingly appalling acting that makes us fervently wish to punch our own eyes in the face in amused disgust) is, pleasingly, women we can internationally define as uber caliente. Because, when two different languages need to bizarrely juxtaposed in this fashion, you know that nork-vana awaits you in the gallery.

Prepare to be simultaneously afraid and aroused, as we believe the three-breasted hooker from Total Recall was fond of entreating clients.