chris-littlechild - January 3, 2013
Huzzah! It's 2013, the year that a gang of ancient Mexicans told us -between bites of those excellent enchiladas they have a penchant for making- we would never reach. Quetzalcoatl, they alleged, would have given us all a damn good smiting in the gonads from the Stick of Apocalypse-Justice (that he presumably wields in his non-existent snakey snake-hands) by this juncture.
You'd be forgiven, then, for asking questions such as what in the name of Satan's sweaty scrotum happened there, then? Conjecture would suggest that the Mayan deity was otherwise occupied, perhaps perusing porntastic on bustyfeatherysnakewomen.com or suchlike, and couldn't be assed to take his hands off his penis to engage in his genocidal duty (and who hasn't been there?). Whatever the reason, we remain bereft of the holy, fiery shitstorm we were promised for 21 December. New Years, as such, passed as always.
So, naturellement, many of us awoke this morning pondering the most pertinent philosophical conundrums of this wondrous new era, this... 2013. Those being:
-Whose house is this?
-Why am I naked?
-Where have all my pubes gone?
-Why does my mouth taste like Satan has shat in it?
This is but par for the 1 January course, though. As is the creation of New Year's Resolutions, which we have generally middle-fingered by... this afternoon. Maybe you've pledged to expunge that paunch by hauling your Holiday-fat ass to the gym. Or quit smoking those nicotine-flavoured death-sticks from Lucifer's ballsack. These are common, admirable ambitions. The fervent desire to cook more weed brownies in an EZ Bake oven, conversely, is not.
Mashable has collated some of the most preposterous resolutions made on Twitter in the wee, drunken hours of this morning, and it's quite a sight. The Tweets constitute such wonderment as:
- "New Years revolution- Stop using my cat as an excuse for a boyfriend." (-@Laurallg22)
- "My 2013 New Year's resolution? Have less hairy nipples and more hairy armpits."
- "New Year's Resolution: Avoid employing my strikingly-decent impression of Mickey Mouse's voice when having sex."(-@LeeryLeary)
- "My New Years resolution is to get an EZ bake oven and make weed brownies."
Our personal favorite (although â€˜favorite' may not be le mot juste)?:
"My New Years resolution is to never by accident walk in on my dad cleaning the shower naked ever again." (-@laurenabrady7)
Hit Mashable for the full, disturbing list. Or, don't.