bill-swift - August 13, 2016
As you know, I have three separate yet equal accreditations to which my self-respect is tied. First, I'm a certified Subway sandwich maker. That's three hours of my life I don't even want back. Second, I'm licensed to scuba dive in limited man-made ponds and lakes up to eight feet in depth. Finally, I know porn. Sure I know sextastic celebrity, but like any human being descended from the ape, I revel in visual treats of a naughty nature as much as the next simian.
As such, on occasion I do lend my talents to critical review of some of the most popular adult entertainment destination sites on the world wide faptastic web. Today, RedTube. You've likely been to RedTube before. Or, excuse me, your alter-ego with the mustache and the subtle scent of Axe Body Spray Spring Floral has.
RedTube is one of the original "Tubes". I could research what that means, but I prefer to live this life under the mysterious incomprehension of the origin of the tube. RedTube itself is less than mysterious. A wonderland of visual wonderments just waiting to be clicked. For free. Because free is absolutely the best price ever invented.
I like a site that offers me clear views of the good stuff on the homepage. Do I look like a digger? I do not I'm an aristocrat when it comes to porn. I want all the work done for me, which RedTube kindly offers, along with a user voting scale that doesn't place every video at 99%. I want more honest criticism in my porn ratings.
Finally, there's the trending bar. What's trending in the U.S. in particular today? Mother-in-Law Fucked By Son. I'm intrigued. Tell me more. I mean, show me more. Which they do, because porn loves you like nobody else will. RedTube is the kindest mother on the block. You no longer need milk and cookies. Here's cream pie and big naked jigglers and a pat on the head.
Congratulations, RedTube, you've nailed it.